All the world's children loved the story a lot
So the Schnook out in Hollywood saw cash to be got
The Schnook loved his money with a greed almost pure
Don't ask us just why, 'cause we're not really sure.
The moral of the story, maybe he just couldn't get it
Or maybe to bookies he'd become indebted.
Most likely, I think, given the unholy goal
Is that Hollywood is simply devoid of a soul.
It didn't really matter- lack of soul or bad gambling-
As he sat down at Spago's and started a'rambling.
Over a dish of chicken fried chocolate galore,
He spied the teeming masses at a bookstore next door.
He knew that inside the book children were thumbing
Keeping the store's registers continuously humming.
And tonight they would watch that abomination
Done by Doc Seuss with Chuck Jones animation.
With no product placement as far as his eye could see,
They showed it each year, on Network T.V.
And Network T.V.- that was practically FREE!
Free! Free! It was practically FREE!
And free was a thing he knew just mustn't be!
Somehow he must tap this boundless resource
(To help pay the settlement from his third divorce.)
And the more the Schnook figured that he could get paid
The more the Schnook thought that a film should be made.
"There must be a way I can milk this cash cow-
I must make this movie- I must --- but How?"
Then he got a script, a horrible script.
The Schnook got a wonderful, horrible script.
"I know what to do! I've got just the trick!
I'll make "The Grinch" into a Jim Carrey flick!
We'll cover Jim's face with green fur and latex!
We'll dazzle the audience with special effects!
We must find ourselves an adorable moppet
And no movie that season will be able to top it!"
You're avaricious, greedy Schnook
You just can't get enough
You take candy from crying babies
And then say to them "That's tough!"
Greedy Schnook!
You're a rabid packrat- with a coat of mangy scruff.
Still, the story's too short, and they had to insert
Some Carreyesque lines lest Jim's feelings get hurt.
And the more stars that were hired, the more the inserting
To keep all those other stars feelings from hurting.
But before he could subject it to his writer's abuse
He'd need Audrey Geisel's permission- Mrs. Doctor Seuss.
Unless she consented, unless she was willin'
They'd be tossing away one hundred ten milli'n.
Now the Schnook was so sneaky and so full of guile
He enraptured the widow in a tenth of a while
Then the Schnook turned to line up the merchandising
And the eager response was to him not surprising
First up was an exclusive contract with Visa
With maybe an ad on that tower in Pisa!
And toys! Stuffed grinches and stuffed Max the dogs!
And of course an agreement with the folk at Kelloggs.
They fell just like tenpins to the palm of his hand,
First Toys R Us, then Target, and then Musicland.
Walmart and Spencer, Blockbuster and Rite Aid,
Radio Shack and Sears all got the name once they'd paid.
A burger joint needed for The Grinch's kid's meal?
Wendy's jumps in with a profitable deal!
Hershey signs on to promote cavity-filled grins
And Nabisco, hawking oreos, ritz's, and wheat thins.
You're a bad guy, greedy Schnook,
You're a money seeking thug
You've got all the tender mercies of
a slimy, goopy slug!
Greedy Schnook!
An independent study examining the both of you
Found more decency in the slug!
Soon it was done- a fait accompli if you will
And so the Schnook waits for his coffers to fill.
So what if they'd slaughtered one of the Doctor's great works?
So the people of Whoville were turned into big jerks-
So the Grinch's fifty three; Cindy Lou Who, just two
A plot hole you could drive a big hearted moose through
Carrey sings "Somone's fabulous" and you're forced to ask
If he's playing Ace Ventura, the Grinch or the Mask.
Does this bother the Schnook? Why don't be absurd!
It's just a piece of property, or hadn't you heard?
"Don't worry, don't fret, don't look so perplexed-
Just wait 'til you see what's coming up next!
Some sneetches will form a star bellied Aryan nation
While the Lorax is promoting massive deforestation.
The Butter Battle Book's adapted to support a big war-
Just give us some time, and we'll come up with more!"
And so, one by one, our illusions are shattered,
Were we naive to believe that the Doctor still mattered?
As the movie now opens filling some fans with chagrin,
Out in California the Schnook watches the profits roll in.
You infuriate me, greedy Schnook
You're an unrepentant crook
You've grasped all you could grasp
And you took all you could took
Greedy Schnook!
I've got just one thing to say to you and I'll say it right now
"Give... back... the... book!"
There is no happy ending, no soul we can save,
just poor Teddy Geisel spinning 'round in his grave.
Page maintained by David Bedno (drseuss@seuss.org).