An A to Z of Cybercrud
Author: mathew@mantis.co.uk
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``Cybercrud'' was defined by Ted Nelson as ``Putting things over on people
by using computers.'' It is, however, more easily defined by example. For
this reason I have put together an A to Z of random cybercrud.
A IS FOR:
ATARI corporation. If a salesman tries to sell you a computer and you are
unsure of whether it is an Atari, simply count the joystick ports --- if it
has less than four of them, it is not an Atari.
Atari's prediliction for putting joystick ports on their computers is
entirely unconnected with the fact that they made their money by
manufacturing video games. It is, however, interesting to note that their
video game consoles have fewer joystick connectors than their business
computers. Pedants should note that although the original Atari ST computer
had only two joystick ports, this has now been corrected, and the latest
model supports six joysticks, two paddles, and a lightpen... Not even the
most diligent salesman, however, can convince a businessman that he needs
joystick ports on his computer. Cybercrud has its limits.
B IS FOR:
BARCODES. Barcodes have now replaced price tags in most supermarkets. The
important thing about barcodes is that a computer can read them but you
cannot. This allows the supermarket to rip you off by charging more than
its marked prices without having to run the risk of being caught.
C IS FOR:
COPY-PROTECTION. Copy protection is an ingenious system of screwing around
with the format of floppy disks in order to ensure that your computer is
unable to run the software which you buy for it. Copy protection also keeps
hackers amused for up to an evening before they remove it and place the
appropriate program on their local bulletin boards for downloading.
D IS FOR:
DATA 70. Data 70 is that awful font with all the extra rectangular bits
sticking out of the letters. It was designed many many years ago as a means
of writing numbers on cheques which a computer could subsequently read. It
is also known as Magnetic Ink Character Recording, or MICR. It is no longer
at all necessary, but the banks still print your cheques with it because
they are still using ponderous IBM mainframes the size of experimental
kidney dialysis machines operated by nylon-shirted corporate ants whose idea
of a good time is to write witty comments in code on their punched cards.
Some companies who wish to look "hi-tech" use Data 70 in their
advertisements, even though the genuine font doesn't actually HAVE any
letters in it, and even though the very sight of a Data 70 character brings
to mind the late 1950s when the system was designed.
E IS FOR:
ELECTRONIC MAIL. Whilst the postal service is about as speedy and reliable
as a three-legged donkey ridden by a dope fiend, Electronic Mail offers the
possibility of fast and convenient communications. Everybody concerned
quickly realized how important it was to have standards, so they all
hurriedly drafted their own. A couple of years ago it was belatedly
realized that people might want to send mail to each other rather than
merely to themselves, so work began on X400.
X400 is a monolithic specification made by combining all of the existing
standards into one humongous self-modifying standard. It is an excellent
example of why one should not allow committees to design things, and in a
few centuries' time will be rediscovered as one of the lost works of Franz
Kafka. It is being actively promoted as a major breakthrough. Many
computer companies are currently offering large sums of money to anyone who
will help to implement a working X400 system, but let's face it you'd need
the money to pay for the therapy when you're institutionalized.
F IS FOR:
FORTRAN. The language FORTRAN is one of computing's dinosaurs, and even its
enthusiasts admit that it is now more than ten years out of date. FORTRAN
is often described as being good for repetitive number-crunching, as if this
were a virtue rather than an effect of IBM having spent over twenty five
years building computers especially so that they can run it quickly. Cynics
might point out that they would be better off spending their time and money
making Common LISP more efficient, since it provides better number
processing facilities, a respectable style leading to readable and
maintainable code, and a more compact notation than FORTRAN. But not me.
The language's chief claim to fame is that a single missing comma in a
FORTRAN program turned it into a completely different program which steered
a multi billion dollar US spacecraft straight into the ground, and frankly
it serves them right.
G IS FOR:
GRAPHICS. When I first started using computers, `graphics' consisted of a
few large rectangular blobs on the screen, which by dint of imagination you
were supposed to perceive as an alien battle fleet flying in formation over
your lone defensive green rectangle... sorry, laser base, which would
bravely shoot exclamation marks at them. Nowadays video games have come a
long way, and one can often see children playing complicated games which
involve firing small lines of orange dots at red rectangular alien
spacecraft flying over a grey rectangular laser base.
The other use for computer graphics is for ray-tracing animated sequences of
pictures for television advertisements. These technically advanced
simulations all involve a large number of glassy spheres, plastic-looking
landscapes, and large reflective metallic letters, and to be frank once
you've seen one you've seen 'em all. Advertisers, however, still think that
they look excitingly hi-tech, and that they will imply that their products
have something to do with computers.
H IS FOR:
HAL. The HAL computer was featured in the films and books ``2001'' and
``2010.'' Everybody remembers that HAL went mad and killed the humans on
board the spacecraft he controlled; what they don't seem to remember is that
the reason why he went mad was that he was more strictly ethical than human
beings, and was unable to follow the orders given to him by humans from the
security services.
People are brainwashed into thinking that computers are inhuman, uncaring,
and impersonal --- this is the basis of cybercrud, since it allows petty
bureaucrats and law enforcement agencies to do almost anything on the
grounds that ``The computer requires it.'' People put up with being
assigned impersonal code numbers, because they have been led to believe that
such numbers are necessary.
I IS FOR:
IBM. Many things have been said about IBM; so many, in fact, that it's not
worth repeating any of them. It is, however, worth pointing out that almost
all of them must be completely untrue because they are nowhere near nasty
enough. Thomas J. Watson, president of IBM, was once asked how many
computers he expected IBM to make. He replied that he thought that it was
highly unlikely that they would ever make more than five. We should be so
bloody lucky.
J IS FOR:
JAPAN. The Japanese have always been quick to take someone else's idea and
produce something just like it but cheaper. Many Japanese companies have
made fortunes by selling `cloned' copies of the IBM Personal Computer,
taking the opportunity to fix a few of the machine's superficial defects,
whilst ensuring that the important fundamental defects remain intact --- in
particular, the BIOS ROM and the video display. Like sheep, people still by
IBM PC clones --- because they are led to believe that computers have to be
that bad.
K IS FOR:
KILOBYTES. Kilobytes are the main unit of measurement of computer memories,
although modern machines tend to have up to a few megabytes of space, a
megabyte being 1024 kilobytes. Computer memory is distinctly Freudian;
everybody says that size isn't everything, but they don't really believe it.
L IS FOR:
LASER PRINTERS. These wonderful devices allow you to produce printout of
sufficient print quality that people don't recoil in horror when they see
it. This allows companies to print junk mail which actually looks as if it
has been addressed to you personally, whereas previously it was always
possible to spot the filled-in information by looking at the colour of the
ink.
An unfortunate side-effect of the quality of laser printers is that the
appalling spelling, grammar and punctuation of the bored English Students
using them becomes even more apparent, and don't put that sheet of sticky
labels in there you idiot, of course it isn't printing there isn't any paper
in the tray, and why the hell do you keep using bitmap fonts, are you stupid
or something?
M IS FOR:
MAINFRAME. A mainframe is a very big computer which gives up to two hundred
users access to the interactive computing power of an expensive desktop
computer. It costs about as much as four hundred expensive desktop
computers. The mainframe's main advantage from a large corporation's point
of view is that it gives a bunch of social misfits the chance to control the
activities of others by becoming involved in running it.
N IS FOR:
NEURAL NETWORKS. An earnest Artificial Intelligence lecturer told me that
with the help of these, it may be possible to build computers which behave
exactly like human beings. Looking around the room, I wondered why he
should want computers which get bored, forget what he tells them and drift
off to sleep whilst he is speaking.
Some people are more skeptical, and ask whether it is possible for machines
to think. Well, I certainly can, but I have my doubts about those who ask
the question.
O IS FOR:
OPTICAL CHARACTER RECOGNITION. By means of optical character recognition
technology, it is hoped that we will soon be able to teach computers to read
books. We can then move on to teaching them to watch TV, at which point we
will finally have succeeded in dragging them down to our own intellectual
level. It seems likely that TV companies will build rooms of minimally
intelligent computers, each with a TV screen, in order to improve their own
ratings.
P IS FOR:
PORTABLE COMPUTERS. Most so-called `portable' computers are the size of a
couple of shoeboxes glued together. The reason for this is that they are
mostly IBM PC compatible, and most have a full-size keyboard. It is tacitly
implied via cybercrud that these features are important. In fact, this is
not the case as far as the majority of ordinary people is concerned, but it
does ensure that said machines appeal to dorks in suits who think that
buying a non-IBM-compatible mains cable is dangerously rebellious. The rest
of us are quite content to laugh at them whilst we tap away at our slim
pocket-sized computers.
Q IS FOR:
QUERY-BASED SYSTEMS. A close relative of databases, most query-based
systems have some extra code bolted onto the front so that you can ask them
questions in English; such as, say, ``When is the next bus to Cherry
Hinton?'' The resulting conversation tends to be rather one-sided, with the
computer's responses generally being of the form ``I don't understand the
word `bus'.'' Sooner or later the query-based system gets replaced by a
program which prints a timetable on the screen, thus demonstrating the
amazingly circular nature of cybercrud technology.
R IS FOR:
ROBOTS. These are getting more and more sophisticated, and able to perform
ever more complex tasks. Hollywood movie robots are cybercrud at its most
developed --- metal men who wander around looking gormless, or tiny boxes
with smiling faces who wheel themselves about the place making amusing
beeping noises. This goes a long way towards explaining why, amongst
computer hackers, the most popular robot of recent years is the law
enforcement robot at the start of ``RoboCop,'' whose most admirable and
enviable feature was the ability to blow away Americans with heavy weaponry.
S IS FOR:
SOFTWARE. The term software means `instructions executed by a computer.'
This hasn't stopped manufacturers of video movies from calling their product
``software'', in an attempt to make it sound glamourous and hi-tech, and
above all to justify their hiked-up prices. What better way to make your
product seem exciting than by insinuating that it involves computers? In
fact the video manufacturers aren't doing anything that can't be done by
anyone with two suitable video recorders and the proper cable, and we all
know it. Nice try, though.
T IS FOR:
TAPES. In the bad old days of the ZX-81, you would diligently go through a
complicated procedure called the `loading ritual.' This involved carefully
cleaning the heads of your cassette player, winding the cassette tape to the
right place, connecting everything together and switching it all on, telling
the computer to LOAD, and pressing play on the tape. The '81 would then
play you something which looked like a monochromatic rock video animated by
Jackson Pollock, at the end of which the RAM pack would wobble and you'd
have to do the whole thing again.
The ZX-81 was a wonderful device, because it enabled people to find out how
ghastly computers could be built to be, without having to spend large
amounts of money on IBM kit in order to do so.
U IS FOR:
UPPER-CASE LETTERS. The next time you get a letter addressed to ``MR J
SMITH'' or whatever, stop to think for a moment. Why can't they print in
lower-case? Are you going to trust a company which is careless enough to
misplace two ``.'' symbols from the name? Imagine if they misplace the ``.''
in your bill. Of course, if asked about this, the company resorts to
cybercrud, claiming that because the name and address is stored on computer
it is necessary to put it in a special format. Like hell it is.
The author favours telling the institution concerned that unless they can
get his name right, he will throw away their mail without opening it. He
did this with his bank, and eventually they were forced to post the mail
from their office back to their office so that it could be re-addressed by
hand. Cruel, you may think --- but six weeks later, lo and behold, they had
persuaded their computer that the author COULD have his name written
correctly after all. How's that for progress?
V IS FOR:
VODS. Video Operators' Distress Syndrome is the latest cybercrud ``Bogey
Man'' phrase designed to give people the willies about computers and keep
'em in line. A little superficial research revealed that people sitting in
front of computer screens were being bombarded with electromagnetic
radiation. Over the last couple of years, hundreds of companies have begun
offering special screening panels to affix to the front of your computer
monitor. With a word like ``radiation'' to bandy about, how could they go
wrong? Some of these panels, it is claimed by the manufacturers, screen out
100% of the emitted electromagnetic radiation. Why this should be a good
thing for a video display is not answered. Something else which goes
unanswered is: if electricity is so dangerous to our health, why haven't we
noticed at some point during the last fifty-odd years? And what's the point
of screening your computer when every other electrical item in the room is
giving off the same radiation?
W IS FOR:
WORD-PROCESSING. This ridiculous term was coined by IBM; a delicate piece
of cybercrud, it implies that what the computer is doing is difficult to do,
whereas in fact it is really just text handling. The only thing which makes
``word processing'' difficult is the unmitigated ghastliness of most of the
programs available to perform the task. It's no surprise that Wordstar was
voted ``The most difficult video game to win'' in an American magazine's
end-of-year awards. I suppose one COULD dedicate one's life to remembering
that CTRL-META-K K CTRL-Q is ``move block to next buffer,'' but quite
frankly what the hell's the point? It's computing for train-spotters. The
rest of us find an editor which can be operated with only five or ten
control-keys, and get the job done in half of the time.
X IS FOR:
X-WINDOW. The X-window system is something we're going to be seeing a lot
more of. Unfortunately. It is a system which was not merely designed by
committee, but programmed by committee as well. The fact that it actually
seems to work is nothing short of a miracle. X was designed to ``make no
assumptions about the style of user-interface.'' What this actually means
in English is that it makes no attempt whatsoever to impose any design sense
or good taste on the programmers writing code for it. Some of the programs
which result are truly an experience-and-a-half to use. Writing code for X
is like trying to write a set of instructions on how to ride a bicycle, and
about as effective. It is made slightly more tolerable if you use ``Widget
Sets,'' which always provide almost what you wanted but not quite. X
provides numerous informative error messages, all of the form ``Segmentation
fault - core dumped.''
Y IS FOR:
YABA. Computer programmers are legendary for their inability to speak or
write coherent English. They also seem to have a peculiar affinity for
useless jargon words. Since the author has so far avoided jargon, it is
perhaps time to say that when your APL is FUBAR and giving GIGO, and the
WYSIWYG WP on your VDU goes AWOL and dumps ASCII CCs to your LPT: port, you
can comfort yourself by making up YABA -- Yet Another Bloody Acronym.
Z IS FOR:
ZEN. Nothing to do with cybercrud or computers, but after staring at your C
code for a couple of hours you suddenly begin to think that perhaps those
koans made some sense after all. Mind you, after I've been staring at C
code for a couple of hours absolutely anything seems to make sense by
comparison.